imabitch

I often ponder over the nature of true human sincerity, true transparency. It is a rare and difficult thing and how much it depends on the person who is listening to us! There are those who pull down the barriers and make the way smooth; there are those who force the doors and enter our territory like invaders, there are those who barricade us in, shut us in upon ourselves, dig ditches and throw up walls around us, there are those who set us out of tune and listen only to our false notes, there are those for whom we always remain as strangers, speaking an unknown tongue. And when it is our turn to listen, which of these are we exactly?


With everything kicking in at this point in time, I've beeen thinking about so much lately. There's just so many things I can do with answers, yet I'm unable to for this. Within a period of months, I've lost amazing friends, only to find some really good ones before me who can actually bring out the best in me. I was reminicing - My life, filled with friendships that I lose and friendships that I keep, so much that I've learnt to be grateful for the many things and people around me. Only regret would be that I have learnt it the hard way. From which, I've realised life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to be happening next.

Every experience has always been a challenge in my life, with a hidden meaning behind it. Every thought that bubbles up in my mind could teach me things bout myself and make me learn and improve on it. I wouldn't admit to being a perfect friend, but I have tried my best to be there for all my friends and I've tried my best to reach out to them. I've tried my best to make them smile, and I've tried my best to listen to all their problems with the intent of understanding and cheering them up. I've always been there to listen - with the intent of understanding, for the message and the message behind the message, for both content and feelings, for others' interests and not just their position, for what they are saying and not saying, with empathy and acceptance, for the areas where they are afraid and hurt, and as I would like to be listened to. As much as I've tried, I'm unable to please all.

Its disappointing that when I look back on my life, plagued with many wrong choices and decisions that could have caused many resentments and regrets. But then again, one shouldn't keep looking back at the past. That I know, but it's way easier said than done. Time and time again, I have to keep reminding myself to put it aside and move on with life but nature seems to be working in me and it's hard to have them erased. I feeel so lost, to the point that I often fill my mind with questions such why do I keep trying so hard? When utimately I know I'm gonna be on the failing end? Whats the point of having a handful number of people, things etc when they don't really make much of a difference to my life? Whats the point of doing your best when you know you might not even succeed eventually?

I think I've come to this point in my life where I'm beginning to lose hope and faith in myself and all the things I do. It's the same routine everyday, - wake up, school, exam, stress, friends, worries, troubles and sadly I'm getting so sick of it already! There's so much and I can bearly cope putting on the strong, cheerful front and smiles that I usually have whenever anyone sees me. Simply cos behind that mask, its just a plain and simple girl, still in search for her identity, still unsure of what she wants out of her life, still overwhelmed by the hurts she has faced with throughout this period of her life. I think I've lost sight of focus in my life, and have let all these emotions take its control over me.

I've always consoled myself by constantly reminding myself that it would be alright as long as I've tried my best. I've always told myself to be strong and everything will be alright! Be strong, everything will be alright? I wish I could do that. But for now, screw alright! Screw strong! Screw bearing with it and that everything would be alright soon! Just screw it all!

I care too much, and at the end of it I ask myself is it all worth it? Will they remember you? Would they even be thankful for all that you've done? A question asked by Mandy a few days ago really strucked me hard, and got me thinking through it til this very day. It struck and hurt me how much I've been taking the things around me for granted. I always tend to forget to put people's feelings into consideration, so much that it simply evolves around me. Yes, they'll always be there when your happy, they'll be there to laugh, smile and play with you. They promise to be there when your down or sad or lonely but when that time comes, are they really there? How many times have they really been there then? It's been like this contant cycle. I take in words from one ear and put them out another ear - "I'll be here Stace" "Cheer up Stace" It's noone but me! Life to me now, is not as beautiful or pretty as how I used to see it and people are just fakes put in to make it all look happy. And then again I ask myself is it worth it?

Fuck this emo shit is getting over me, yet again. It's the night I swear! On a brighter note, I finally took a day off school and caught up on my sleep. Fuck the damn O's I want it to end so badly, yet on the other hand I dont want it to come just yet. The irony. Argh, I'm off to sleep. Last retreat in IJ tmr. Some pictures to brighten up this emo entry ---> http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2101748176

If only you would just stay as strong as you look

posted by stacey @ Thursday, September 21, 2006